Got a festival or gig coming up? Don't be caught out, get fit for it... but not Steroid Sonic fit. That shit's fucked.
Punch Dancing
If you like a bit of the old metal Muay Thai, a kickboxing circuit is definitely the exercise for you. No need for pads, just grab a mate and secure yourself a corner of the local park and practice your deathcore karate. Exercises to try:
Flail elbow - Put your elbows directly behind you, in line with your shoulder blades. Hold both fists clenched at your armpits, and very angrily do the chicken dance.
No resistance uppercuts - Place your feet as wide on the ground as you possibly can without doing the splits. throw your fists from waist height to above your head, ensuring you connect with nothing but air. If this starts getting too easy, add a jump in-between each punch.
Spinning ninja back-kick - This is not for the faint-hearted but is definitely for those watched too many Van Damme films times as a child. Face your back toward your opponent, and kick backwards repeatedly like a moody mare. Once you're confident with this, attempt a round-house kick. This usually ends with you either pulling a hoop muscle or landing on your noggin.
Jumping/Stage Dive
Stage diving is like doing parkour, but the concrete jungle is peoples faces. This is probably one of the most versatile activities you can undertake because anything is a stage to dive off if you're brave enough. Swimming pools, dam walls and freshwater creeks are a prime place to begin your jumping practice. If you're feeling confident, try jumping into a saltwater estuary, the added danger of bull sharks and crocodiles will get your heart pumping and really put your cardio into gear. Want something a little more extreme? Body slam some children in the ball pit at your local Chipmunks. This is not for the faint-hearted though, those little fuckers will have you battered and bruised. Jump, bounce, up, down.
Balance
If you are devoid of all energy and emotion, you probably enjoy standing particularly still when in the pit, like some sort of partially conscious zombie. To onlookers, this comes across as boring as a church sermon; but under the calm surface of the two-foot balancing act is a haywire mind of self-control. Like a silent Shaolin monk, they are concentrating so hard, that their bodies are almost paralysed. If you want to enter the realm of the metal monastery, listen to this song and try not to head-bob. If you fail, go back to nursery rhymes and work your way back up.
Cardio
If you plan on losing your mind on ice-cream and happiness, and running around all day, you're going to need some cardio. For this workout, you're going to need a pair of high-quality runners, or Vans if you feel like destroying your knee joints and inflicting shin-splints on yourself. Pick yourself a predetermined distance and path, for instance, past your ex's house would be a good route - the sheer anger will push you through. Once you have the track planned and running shoes on, the only thing left to do it find a song that has the highest BPM humanly possible. Make sure your feet hit the ground with every kick drum. Speed also helps.
Piss Fitness
It wouldn't be a true festival without those who spend the majority of it bicep curling beers and hot dogs into their faces. Now we all know the pain of getting a couple of beers from the drinking tent at a festival and then an awesome song comes on and you have to decide between the beer and the band. Most of us try to have the best of both worlds - we scull the beer and then run into the pit. The fitness regime for this one is quite simple. Get a group of friends together and go down to a pub (probably not your local though, you might not be welcomed back). The rules are as follows:
Every member must have a full beer at all times.
You must keep your hand on your beer at all times.
As soon as someone takes their hand off their beer for even a second, another member of the party has to grab the beer, yell out "mine-sweeper" and scull the beer.
Once a beer has been sculled, you and the original owner of the beer must run as fast as you can to the bar. Last one to touch the bar buys the next round.
Ed Howson
