Well, folks, it’s that time of year again; a time when it’s socially acceptable for a middle-aged man to dress in red pyjamas and obnoxiously shake a bell in a shopping centre, while retailers force-feed shitty jingles into consumers heads. The only good thing about Christmas is when it’s over and test cricket recommences - But if you have been roped into spending the day with your fake-smiling family, be sure to spice up their lives with these metal Christmas carols.
Carol Of Bells - August Burns Red
If you grew up in the 80s and 90s, you’ll probably find this song synonymous with Home Alone, but not like this. Although, giving Christmas thieves a bruising with home-made booby-traps is pretty metal. It’s not surprising that super-Christians August Burns Red would at some point record something Christmas related. Featured on ‘Sleddin’ Hill (A Holiday Album), their cover of Carol of Bells is a dark, melodic take on the well-known song. If they could do a cover of ‘Heaven On Their Minds’ for Easter, that would be great. Now take a listen, ya filthy animal.
Kidnap The Sandy Claws - Korn
For those who haven’t washed it from their memories, The Nightmare Before Christmas was popular with Emo-Kids of the mid-00s who would unashamedly mix a Jack Skellington backpack with an Emily the Strange T-shirt. Around the same time that the film was almost ruined by mascara wearing attention seekers, Korn released a cover of ‘Kidnap the Sandy Claws’. So on the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature is stirring, not even a mouse, blow everyone’s fucking eardrums with this song.
Little Drummer Boy - Christopher Lee
He was Count Dracula, Count Dooku, Dr Wilbur Wonka, and Saruman The White. He served in World War Two as an RAF pilot and in the British SAS, he was the inspiration for the James Bond character which was written by his cousin Ian Fleming, and later played a Bond villain in The Man With The Golden Gun. Related to the middle ages French emperor, Charlemagne, Lee (who was in his 80s at the time) formed a metal band by the same name. If ever there is an award for greatest bad-arse of all time, Christopher Lee would be in the top three.
Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree - Leo Moracchioli
We can all remember the excitement of waking up at the crack of dawn, racing into the living room at the speed of a thousand startled gazelles, seeing all the presents stacked under the tree or perched in the stocking above the fireplace. With little to no self-control, we’d rip open the presents and pretend it was a total surprise because we definitely didn’t see what we were getting when we were snooping around our parent’s closet. Revamp that feeling with Leo’s cover of ‘Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree’. Open some presents, smile, slam dance, punch a kid in the face, it’s Christmas.
Jingle Bells - Austrian Death Machine
You’ve probably seen Arnold Schwarzenegger in ‘Jingle All The Way’, and laughed as the big man tries to find his son the hottest toy of the season - Turbo-Man. What you probably haven’t seen is Arnold spitting fire in Austrian Death Machine. If you’re not familiar with this band, it was founded in 2008 by As I Lay Dying vocalist Tim Lambesis as a parody of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s films. If your Christmas lunch is lacking some fun, get the Terminator to help you out.
There you have it, folks, your guide to having a very metal Christmas. Throw some horns in the air, listen to some metal and eat so much that you’ll be as full as a wheelie bin on boxing day.